Measure what you want, not what is easy: picking one number that matters

A few years ago I wanted to feel closer to my friends. So, being the sort of person who likes a list, I started counting. Messages sent. Birthdays remembered. Likes on their photos.

The numbers went up nicely. I didn't feel any closer at all.

It took me a while to see what had happened. I had measured what was easy to count, not what I actually wanted. Sending a quick message takes ten seconds. A real conversation takes an evening. My numbers were rewarding the quick thing.

Before choosing any number, I now try to name the thing itself, in plain words. Not the measurement. The want.

"Feel closer to my friends" turned out to mean: have proper conversations, where someone tells me something real and I listen. Once I'd named that, the right thing to count was obvious, and it wasn't likes.

This is the same move as name it, tame it, used on a goal instead of a feeling. If you'd like the longer version, I wrote about naming a goal you can actually check.

There's a well-known warning about this, named after the economist Charles Goodhart. The anthropologist Marilyn Strathern put it most memorably in 1997: "When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure."

In plain words: as soon as you start chasing a number, you'll find ways to move the number that don't move the thing you care about. Workplaces see it all the time. Count calls answered, and calls get shorter, not better. Count pages written, and the pages get longer, not clearer.

It happens to us on our own too. I did it with my friends.

The answer isn't to stop measuring. It's to keep asking, "Is this number still telling me the truth about what I want?"

People who track progress for a living often split numbers into two kinds, and it's one of the most useful ideas I know.

A lagging number tells you the result, after the fact. How the quarter went. How much you've saved by the end of the year. How close you feel to your friends when you stop and think about it.

A leading number tells you about the things you do that tend to produce that result. It moves sooner, and it's mostly in your hands.

Lagging numbers are what you want. Leading numbers are what you can steer.

For my friends:

• Lagging: once a month, I ask myself how connected I feel, on a scale of one to five.
• Leading: how many real conversations I have each week. Not messages. Conversations, on the phone or face to face, longer than twenty minutes.

The leading number is the one I watch weekly. The lagging one is the check that it's working.

It's tempting to track ten things. I've tried. Within a fortnight I'm tracking none of them.

So I pick one leading number for each goal. Just one. Then I pair it with a quick honesty check, a single question I ask now and then to make sure I'm not gaming myself.

For the friends goal, the honesty check is: "Did any of those conversations actually matter?" If the answer is no for a few weeks, my number has drifted from my want, and I change the number.

A few more examples:

• Want: be less frazzled at work. Leading number: mornings I start with my one most important task before opening email. Honesty check: am I picking a genuinely important task, or an easy one?
• Want: write more. Leading number: writing sessions of at least thirty minutes each week. Honesty check: did I write, or just tidy notes?
• Want: spend less on things I don't need. Leading number: purchases over a set amount that I waited a day before making. Honesty check: did waiting change anything?

A number is a torch, not a judge. It's there to show me where I am, so I can choose the next small step. If it starts making me feel bad about myself, that's a sign to name what's going on, perhaps with the three steps, rather than push harder.

I keep my numbers on a scrap of paper on the fridge. Once a week, I write the leading number down and ask the honesty question. Once a month, the lagging one. It takes five minutes. If you like a nightly habit better, one worry, one line pairs well with it.

Pick one thing you want more of. Then:

1. Name the want in one plain sentence.
2. Pick one leading number: something you do, that you can count weekly.
3. Write one honesty question to check the number still tells the truth.

I'm not a doctor, and this isn't therapy. It's a way of seeing that helps me. If you are struggling, please talk to someone you trust or a professional.

Measure what you want, not what is easy. Name it, tame it, and let the number serve you, not the other way round.